


The Way

by Resacon1990



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Post-War, Bilbo Is Awesome, Bilbo tries to make it better, Fluff and Angst, Fíli and Kíli live with Thorin, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Minor Violence, Past Violence, Prompt Fill, The Company were in a War, Thorin Feels, Thorin has PTSD, Thorin has a shock, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 19:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2122593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resacon1990/pseuds/Resacon1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"Why spend time with him? Isn't it hard?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wouldn't being with someone normal be better?"</em>
</p><p><em>"Isn't he a little too crazy for a healthy relationship?"</em> </p><p>He turns to look at Thorin with a forced smile, trying to ignore every question ever asked, and he nudges Thorin gently with his fist.</p><p> </p><p>Or, Thorin is a war veteran who suffers from PTSD and Bilbo cuddles him in a bathtub filled with pillows and blankets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the prompt on tumblr that went: _"modern!au where thorin is a war veteran and bilbo lives in the flat next door and brings him cookies whenever he has nightmares"_ and I've had the idea of people cuddling in bathtubs for ages (bizarre?), so this is a sort of bastardized version of both.
> 
> Originally I was going to do a longer version, but I couldn't really think it through so I've only decided to fine tune this one scene and post it as a oneshot.
> 
> Named after _"The Way Instrumental"_ by Zack Hemsey which I listened to while writing this :)
> 
> All mistakes are my own!

Bilbo knows it's a bad day as soon as Fili opens the door.

"Hey, Bilbo," he greets, and Bilbo notices how small Fili's voice is and he wonders how bad Thorin was today, "we didn't think you were coming today."

"Thorin didn't pick up his phone," Bilbo explains as he moves into the apartment and squeezes Fili shoulder reassuringly, "I gathered something was up and thought I'd come see for myself."

He deposits his things on the kitchen bench, bag, books and he shrugs off his jacket to pile on top as he looks over to see Kili curled up on the couch and watching him from underneath a blanket. The TV is on mute in front of him, playing some daft cartoon that Bilbo recognizes as the one movie they play every time Thorin… upsets the two boys.

"Did he hurt you?" Bilbo reluctantly asks, and he _hates_ having to ask that question, but luckily Kili shakes his head and Fili grumbles a negative as he walks up to stand beside him.

"I think he had a flashback," Fili explains after a tense moment, "Kili turned on the jug without the silencer this morning, we though that… that he might be fine since he hasn't reacted to it in a long time… hasn't reacted to _anything_ in a long time, but the jug…" he pauses to gesture at the broken remains of the kettle beside Bilbo's things, and Bilbo winces at how pathetic it looks barely hanging together by a few wires, "the whistling set him off. One minute he was helping me with study, the next he was stone still then he just flipped. Started yelling about getting down, threw the jug away from him, and he tried to drag us to the bathroom," he frowns down at Bilbo, "I don't understand why he always goes to the bathroom."

"You're trying to make sense of shellshock?" Bilbo asks, and Fili flushes as he looks at the ground making Bilbo sigh as he reaches up to rub Fili's neck, "it's the bath he heads for. I think it reminds him of a bomb shelter or something. He explained it once, but badly."

Fili just nods but doesn't elaborate any further, and Bilbo has to turn to Kili who looks frightened. Barely out of high school and having to look after a fidgety Uncle who can deal a lot of damage if frightened too much, it's not fair. Then again, Bilbo thinks, Kili had _chosen_ to follow his brother in helping his Uncle, and he's done a mighty good job.

"He really has been good," Kili finally says, and Bilbo nods, "he hasn't really reacted to anything in a long time, around us anyway. He still gets nightmares, but.. well, when he does react to something he's always been really calm and collected, and he hasn't been so… _physical_ in ages, and I, I didn't _mean_ -"

"Kili," Bilbo interrupts as he pulls Fili over to the couch and settles between the two boys, "there's nothing to be sorry about. Everyone handles a situation differently."

"I punched him," Kili whispers into his hands, and Bilbo watches as Kili's eyes fill with tears, "he was just trying to get me to safety and I… I got scared and _punched_ him, and the look on his face, Bilbo, it was…" he drops his head fully into his hands, and Bilbo exchanges a stunned look with Fili as he pulls the boy into a tight hug.

"Not your fault," he mumbles into Kili's hair, "it's not your fault."

"How do you do it?" Kili mumbles against Bilbo's chest, "I know he sometimes get's violent when he wakes up from a nightmare. And I know that when you stay over he…"

"It's about patience, and remember I work at a veterans hospital. I work with men and women like your Uncle every day," he presses a gentle kiss to Kili's head and holds Fili's hand, "you two have done so well since your Uncle came back from the war. Better than some family members I've seen, and I'm so _very proud_ of you."

"Even when I punch-"

Bilbo shushes Kili by pulling him back and smiling down at him. "Even when you punch him," he says gently, "what happened has happened, and it's not your fault. I've hurt your Uncle before when he's been unaware of what he was doing, and I know it's wrong and I've beaten myself up over my actions over and over again, but at the end of the day, he _understands_. Your Uncle isn't crazy, he isn't a bad guy and he most certainly never intends on scaring you. He's just experienced things that we can't possibly imagine, and sometimes those things just come back to haunt him."

"We know what PTSD is, Bilbo," Fili mumbles, and Bilbo leans over to kiss his head as well.

"I know," he replies, "but sometimes a reminder is the way to lessen guilt."

The two boys don't really say much, and Bilbo sits with them for a little while longer. They're both pressed to his sides, Kili with his head on Bilbo's shoulder and Fili staunchly sitting against his side. They end up just watching the silent cartoon, and Bilbo psyches himself up to go find his partner somewhere in the apartment.

Kili falls asleep, and Bilbo isn't surprised especially considering the boy probably spent all day feeling _terrible_ , and he passes him over to Fili as he stands up.

"Bathroom?" he asks Fili, and Fili nods as he settles his brother's head on his lap gently, "how long has he been there for?"

"All day."

Bilbo sighs before he moves over to the kitchen. He rummages around for a bit before he finds two plastic cups and fills them with orange juice, and he manages to scrounge up some sandwiches before he heads to the bathroom. Thorin won't touch them, not for a while, but it's always good to have something on hand.

He knocks on the door first, and when he gets no reply he pushes down on the doorknob with his elbow and nudges the door open with his hip. It's dark, is the first thing Bilbo notices, and he sees a lump curled up in the bathtub. Thorin looks so small, smaller than Bilbo ever, and he places the cups and plate down on the sink before moving to sit on the edge of the bathtub.

"Thorin?" he calls, and he wants to touch the man but he doesn't… god only knows what state he's in, "hey, Thorin?"

It surprises him when the man lifts his head from where it's been pressed against his chest, and Bilbo relaxes as he ever so slowly reaches out to touch Thorin's hair, making sure to gage his responses before he tangles his fingers into his messy hair.

"There you are," he says as cheerfully as possible, and Thorin actually leans into his touch which is a spectacular sign, "are you okay in there?"

"Fine," Thorin croaks, and Bilbo smiles sadly as his hand trails down to cup Thorin's cheek.

"Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional?" he recites from previous conversations, and Thorin lets out a little breath of laughter against Bilbo's palm.

"Something like that."

"You wanna get out of the bathtub?" he asks, and the way Thorin shrinks away from his touch and curls into himself even more lets Bilbo know that no, no Thorin does not want to get out of the tub. "Okay," he says as he strokes Thorin's hair again before he gets up and leaves the room.

He's back within moments, Fili right behind him, and they're both piled up with pillows and blankets. Fili drops his on the ground, and Bilbo sees the pained look in his eyes as he looks over his fragile Uncle, before he leaves the room with a gentle click of the door.

"Come on, Thorin," Bilbo grunts as he drops his own and steps forward to tug at Thorin's arm, "we can at least make this more comfortable."

Thorin doesn't move though, doesn't even look at Bilbo, and Bilbo takes a deep breath before he gives his partner one big heave and manages to sit him up in the bathtub. It's enough room for now, and Bilbo grabs pillows and blankets and starts to shove them on the free side of the bathtub before he maneuvers Thorin, with sheer determination, so he can do the other.

He's halfway through his task when Thorin finally speaks up.

"Why?"

Bilbo hates that question. He's been asked it so many times, by so many people who think that all of this isn't normal.

_"Why spend time with him? Isn't it hard?"_

_"Wouldn't being with someone normal be better?"_

_"Isn't he a little too crazy for a healthy relationship?"_

He turns to look at Thorin with a forced smile, trying to ignore every question ever asked, and he nudges Thorin gently with his fist.

"Because bathtubs aren't exactly comfortable to lie in-"

"You know that's not what I'm asking," Thorin growls, and he looks so unimpressed and angry as he sits in a bathtub packed with fluffy things with his hands balled up into tight white fists. Bilbo doesn't want to look at Thorin, not for himself but for the man, for his _dignity_. He looks terrible. Pale skin, red eyes, his hair hanging around his shoulders in a matted mess, his clothes a rumpled disaster.

Bilbo chooses not to answer until he's finished filling the bathtub, then he stands to collect the food and drink to place on the sides of the tub before he finally clambers in with a hairbrush tightly clasped in hand.

"Because I love you," he simply says as he reaches up and begins to brush Thorin's hair back from his face and neck. It's hard to do with Thorin looking at him, but he manages, and it's not until Thorin hears the snap of the hair tie settling in place that he replies.

"Why?" he asks, and Bilbo winces again, "I'm not worthy."

"Don't say that."

"But it's true," and oh, Bilbo hates how forlorn Thorin looks, "I'm a waste of space. I can't… I can't even stand a _kettle whistling_ without flying into a fit," he glances up at Bilbo at the same time as he touches his cheek where Bilbo notices a small bruise welling up, "without hurting my boys."

"It's not your fault," Bilbo states firmly as he reaches out to cover Thorin's hand and the bruise, "it's not their fault either. It's _no one's_ fault."

"I'm… I'm _broken_ , Bilbo. You don't deserve a broken man-"

Bilbo silences him with a kiss, pulling him in lightly to press their lips together. He doesn't open his mouth, he doesn't deepen it, he just gently stays there for a moment before he pulls away enough that their foreheads are pressed together and their lips ghosts over one another as Thorin breathes nearly hysterically against him.

"You're not _broken_ ," Bilbo says, "you'll never be broken. You're a hurt man-"

"I'm a shell of the man I was."

"I don't think so," Bilbo disagrees, and he pushes his fingers into Thorin's hair to stop him from moving away, even though it ruins the ponytail, "I knew you before you left, remember? And I know you now that you've come back. I still see the Thorin who… who hogs all the blankets at night because he gets cold easily, who sings so off key to old eighties songs because they remind him of his mother, who always forgets to recap the toothpaste and leaves a mess all over the sink no matter how many times he's told off, who cares for his boys more than anyone else in the world and would do _anything_ they ask, who loves to read fantasy books and is a secret romantic at heart, who loves candles that smell like apple and cinnamon because they remind him of christmas, who will happily turn up at his friends houses or his sisters with ice cream and crappy movies because they're simply having a bad day."

He pauses as Thorin lets out a shaky breath of air, and he feels Thorin's tears on his own cheeks as he clutches him tighter.

"I still know the Thorin who hates sweet foods but will always eat the sweets that his boys make him just to see them smile, who kneels down and prays every second Sunday that his family will always be okay and that every soldier still fighting will never have to go through what he has, who always plaits one braid underneath all his hair in honour of his brother so that when he ties it up no one else can see it, who strength and dedication inspires _so many_ people, who's patient and kind and _gentle_ ," he forces Thorin to meet his eyes as he smiles at him, "you're always going to be the Thorin I know, and love."

"You haven't always loved me."

Bilbo sighs against his face, and watches Thorin blink as Bilbo's breath hits his eyes. "I've always loved you, Thorin," he says, "it just took until you came back from that blasted war for me to realise it, for _you_ to realise it."

Thorin doesn't reply to that, just stares at him for a very long time, and Bilbo doesn't mind as he strokes his fingers across Thorin's skull in a soft pattern. They breathe softly against one another in sync, and Bilbo is poetic enough to think that Thorin tastes sweet.

"You still deserve better," Thorin finally says after a moment, and Bilbo groans as he falls backwards into the pillows and blankets and drags Thorin down with him.

"I deserve what I want, and what makes me happy," he pauses to lift Thorin's head up from where it's lying on Bilbo's chest, and he smiles down at him, "you make me happy."

"You're a sap."

" _Romantic_."

Thorin finally, _finally_ , smiles, and it's genuine despite how small it is, and Bilbo can't help but grin as he runs his fingers over Thorin's face and let's him drop his head back to Bilbo's chest.

"Will you tell me?" Bilbo asks hesitantly, "what happened?"

He patiently waits for Thorin to stiffen then relax, and he still runs his fingers across Thorin's skull and holds his hand tightly as Thorin tells him of muddy fields, broken corpses, screaming men and blood soaked clothing. He tells him of ricocheting bullets, of the explosions of ordnances… of Dwalin's face as the _whistling of a bomb_ shoots past their company and erupts in front of them in a shower of shrapnel, of Nori's screams for help for his dying brother bleeding from thousands of ruptures, of Bofur trying to pull him away with cries for Thorin to _snap out of it_ , of Bifur lying still with lifeless eyes staring at the smoky sky as his cousin desperately tries to wake him, of Gloin calling wretchedly for his brothers aid and receiving no reply from the still body, of Balin bodily picking Thorin up and ordering everyone to _move goddammit move_.

Thorin speaks of the dead, speaks of the moment that haunts him, and Bilbo holds him tight and tells him to breathe, tells him he did okay, that he survived, that no one blames him.

And later, when Bilbo is holding the sleeping Thorin in his arms underneath as many blankets as he can pile on top of them, Fili and Kili sneak in and settle beside the bathtub under their own blanket.

"Will he be okay?" Fili asks as he reaches for Bilbo's hand, and Bilbo holds it firmly, whether to ground himself or Fili though… he has no idea.

"I don't know," he replies honestly, and he looks down at Thorin's peaceful face and he hopes there's no nightmares. Not tonight.

"He's got you," Kili pipes up quietly from where he's pressed against his brothers side, "he'll be okay."

Bilbo smiles at him so softly.

"We'll all be okay."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if the flashback wasn't very clear, I have got the main gist of it written down here from in my notes for this story:
> 
>  
> 
> _Thorin and Company are running across a field/general terrain, all company excluding Ori (cause he is definitely too young for war), trying to get to objective of some sort. Bomb goes off in front of them (the whistling is what sets Thorin off in present time), shrapnel everywhere, Thorin in shock as Dori dies and Nori hovers over him, Bofur tries to pull him away at the same time as knock Thorin out of it, Bifur dead with Bombur trying to wake him up, Gloin calling for Oin who's already dead as well, Balin (and probably Dwalin) pick up Thorin and order everyone to freaking move already._
> 
>  
> 
> I feel terrible, I killed off Dori, Bifur and Oin in a really short fic. Imagine if I'd done the whole big fic intended? Yikes.
> 
> Anyway. Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr (if you feel like dancing XD)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


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